Shut up and empathize...

Good thing: saying simply 'I'm sorry. If you need anything let me know.'
Bad thing: 'My aunt/cousin/mother in law/coworker had brain/breast/lung/toe cancer and s/he beat it/died/suffered/ was a miracle from God.

Shut up. It's not about you. Just say 'Sorry' or 'Bummer' or 'Wow'.

The rest is self serving and makes YOU the focus. We have enough to deal with to worry about your shit. Or to even say 'Oh, wow, sorry...about... YOU...'

Guns A'Blazin'

Diseases may come and go,

but I intend to die in a shoot out...

Avoidance, infection, susceptibility...

I remember thinking of folks I knew who 'got cancer '. Of the hushed tones and gravity with which their names were spoken from then on by my parents. I knew, by the sadness and finality, then the forced bonhomie when our paths crossed, that these were the walking dead. That was fifty years ago. Treatment has come so far since them, as has survivability. I remember wondering, as a child, what it felt like to have that news, that knowledge, that death sentence. Scared the hell out of me. I was afraid of 'catching' it. No one told me any different. And now, with that rich and vivid history, I am 'that person'. As a medical professional, I recognize the progress and the prognosis, that I have a great chance of beating this disease. But, the little girl inside is still terrified, wishing I could switch sides of the street when I see the Now Me coming..

'Til death do us part...

So, I was lamenting the fact that I finally got Feral Husband all trained up and civilized, mostly, and some other woman will reap the benefits after I'm gone. My sister suggested that I take him with me. So, for now, thats the plan...

Runaway Train...

The doctor called today.  We've known one another for two and a half decades.  He delivered my daughter.  He has seen my netherparts more often than my undies have.  His voice was quiet and sad, but professional.

'Yeah, Lynda, the biopsies do show that the cancer has become invasive.'  He knows I am a critical care nurse; he knows I'm not gonna freak out or misunderstand.  I asked him some specific questions about the behavior and susceptibility of the tumor.  Partly for some information, partly for something to say while my mind was screaming for air.

'Okay...  where do we go from here?' He outlined the next steps; referral to the surgeon (one I know well, I have recovered dozens of his patients following lumpectomies and mastectomies), surgery, radiation, chemo, possible mastectomy.  'Unh-hunh, unh-hunh,  okay, thanks, Randy'.

Phone in cradle, steady hands, no tummy flutters.  Self assessment complete, I calmly told my husband the news.  Then began looking for answers on the internet.  The ones I wanted weren't there.

I sit, not wanting to go for a walk, feed the chickens, ride my horses, talk, think.

If I'm supposed to die from this, I wish I wouldn't have to go through all the bullshit of trying to survive.  Just take me now.

We're losing elevation...

Lyn 

31 minutes ago near Eugene

Baggies of ice in the bra; its whats all the rage nowadays...

At least for girls like me...

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• 
  
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  Sue  ahhh..the power of ice! I'm a believer! always icing something it seems (at least lately  ). But whatever works I say 

  27 minutes ago · Like
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  Lyn  You know the recipe for relief from pain following an injury: RICE. Rest, Ice, Compression, Elevation. I'm good with three of them, but the Elevation is about twenty years too late!!!

Denial...

My husband had been fishing in Alaska for a month when I got the news.  I called him and it was a brief call.  A few days later, he came home.  We hugged for long minutes in the airport.  We were oblivious to the stream of curious eyes passing over this 58 year old woman and 67 year old man still as statues, just holding on.

Later, back at home, I mentioned that my cancer is in my left breast.  He dropped his head, closing his eyes, then said, 'I didn't ask which breast. I didn't want to know.  I wondered but I was afraid knowing would make it more real.'  After a brief silence, he said 'It does.'

Innocent bystander...

The book I never wanted to bring home...

When I Am An Old Horsewoman...

I shall wear turquoise and diamonds,

And a straw hat that doesn’t suit me
And I shall spend my social security on
white wine and carrots,
And sit in my alleyway of my barn
And listen to my horses breathe.

I will sneak out in the middle of a summer night
And ride the old bay gelding,
Across the moonstruck meadow
If my old bones will allow
And when people come to call, I will smile and nod
As I walk past the gardens to the barn
and show instead the flowers growing
inside stalls fresh-lined with straw.

I will shovel and sweat and wear hay in my hair
as if it were a jewel
And I will be an embarrassment to ALL
Who will not yet have found the peace in being free
to have a horse as a best friend
A friend who waits at midnight hour
With muzzle and nicker and patient eyes
For the kind of woman I will be
When I am old.

-Author Patty Barnharten I Am An Old Horsewoman
I shall wear turquoise and diamonds,
And a straw hat that doesn’t suit me
And I shall spend my social security on
white wine and carrots,
And sit in my alleyway of my barn
And listen to my horses breathe.

I will sneak out in the middle of a summer night
And ride the old bay gelding,
Across the moonstruck meadow
If my old bones will allow
And when people come to call, I will smile and nod
As I walk past the gardens to the barn
and show instead the flowers growing
inside stalls fresh-lined with straw.

I will shovel and sweat and wear hay in my hair
as if it were a jewel
And I will be an embarrassment to ALL
Who will not yet have found the peace in being free
to have a horse as a best friend
A friend who waits at midnight hour
With muzzle and nicker and patient eyes
For the kind of woman I will be
When I am old.

-Author Patty Barnhart

1

Go ahead...

Group effort...

"When someone has cancer, the whole family and everyone who loves them does, too."
----Terri Clark

From me:
I love all of you who are sharing cancer with me. You don't deserve it. Maybe neither of us do... But I still love and appreciate the support on this journey....

The pink stops here...

I love this quote because it addresses my uncomfortable relationship with the color pink...

"Well, the first thing that clued me in to the fact that there was something really scary about breast cancer, way beyond the thought of dying, was coming across an ad in the newspaper for pink breast cancer teddy bears. I am not that afraid of dying, but I am terrified of dying with a pink teddy bear under my arm."
-------Barbara Ehrenreich

Wound ballistics...

Went in for more biopsies today. The waiting room was filled with my kids and husband and friend. Multiple lidocaine injections were placed deeply into my breast at the tumor site. The lidocaine is mixed with epinephrine, because epi is a vaso constrictor and reduces the risks of bleeding (unfortunately, it also makes me shaky. My daughter and her boyfriend observed. The medical student and the nursing student taking advantage of a learning opportunity. Ultra sound, a machine called a Sonosite, helped find and target the tumor and visualize the tissue. A long tunnel needle was then introduced to the edge of the tumor, and five hollow biopsy cones were 'shot' into the tumor. Literally, with a gun device that had a trigger. The doctor said ' now, this will make a loud clicking sound as I pull the trigger'. I said 'Well, I regularly shoot .45s, so I won't jump to that'. That then started a whole lengthy conversation that undoubtedly lengthened the time I was on the table. 

My daughter's boyfriend said 'Well, he shot it in the center of mass five times.  It ought to be dead...'

Should hear back next Tuesday on the type of tumor and the treatment plan. My post op instructions say 'no vacuuming'. There is no time indication, so my daughter and I decided it means EVER...

Comic relief...

My kids kill me. Every time I need, go, do, move, ANYTHING, they say 'oh, she has cancer, get out of her way...' Or 'Mom has cancer; hand her the phone...' We have no hiding places, no room for moping. We have laughed all day! Some of the cancer professionals seem uncomfortable with it. Ha! Get over it! We laugh, it's what we do!

Show me your cancer, I'll show you mine...

I've learned about an odd aspect of cancer that I never expected to encounter: competition for how 'bad' one's cancer is. I really don't give a rip, I have it, don't want it, and wish this was just a bad dream. My heart hurts for every single person who has even had to worry about an odd looking mole.

However, some ever-competitive family members (not mine; I'd just kill them) said 'If your cancer was all THAT bad, you'd be in the hospital RIGHT NOW getting it removed'. THIS from a ten year survivor. Wow. Okay, you win the Cancer Oscar. But, do not ever expect an update from me on my silly little condition...

What odd things people are...

P.S.  When I was a teacher of the handicapped, I used to have charts of the 'yes' examples of a concept and a NOT example. This would be on the NOT way to be a friend chart...

Not my shoes, too...

Sleep brings me odd feelings and dreams. That there's been a mistake, that I'm bald, that my dogs have died (they already have...), that my house has burned, that no one shows up for Christmas. That none of my shoes fit anymore. One might expect the obvious; absent titties, pain, fear, death, but, no. I get to agonize over gorgeous shoes I can't fit into. WTHeck???

Cancer Judgement

This is a real Facebook exchange.  It is a good snapshot of how people view and judge others.  I hope you understand the last exchange I made to 'Linda' who used her anger at the bar woman to essentially tell her story, unsolicited and pompously. She is, to me, a jealous hater of other fighters.  Isn't her aggressive angry but 'look at me' approach to coping just as inappropriate and usurious as asking for a drink?? Count the number of 'I's and 'me's in her post...

BTW, I am the 'Lyn'...

DXXXXX

10 hours ago

So, I was out at the bar tonight, I met this woman that was trying to get people to buy her drinks. When she came to me and asked for a drink, I asked her why I owed her a drink. her response was that she found out she had cancer, and she was using this for her reason to get drinks. As it turned out, she had only had a biopsy! Her test results had not been completed, and she hadn't been informed of the outcome of her test. Playing on the fact of she might have cancer, and using it on those that might buy her a drink is just is disturbing to me!

I like others, I know have lost someone from cancer. Be it family or friend, I find it really absurd that one would go to this level to play on persons that might be unsuspecting. I had the ware with all to ask what her diagnosis was after her test. As I understood she hadn't learned the results of her test at that time.

I don't know how it works, but to use or play on people emotions, when you don't know you are conclusive of having cancer.

Well that just seems wrong to me!

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• You, XXXX and 7 others like this.
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  Terry AFAIK, there is no "good" reason for anyone to go around begging for drinks, let alone using a bogus story to evoke sympathy to acquire that drink..
  Deception should never be rewarded!!

  8 hours ago · Like · 2
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  David  I once had a biopsy for cancer, It was the scariest 21 hours of my life..After that it was the panic mode of finding out it was stage 4 and in my head & throat with no gaurantee of making 30 days.. A free drink and clearing my mind with someone I didn't know that first 21 hours would have been a chance to not have to talk about it to my loved ones who couldn't deal with it at the moment..Just hearing the word that you possibly may have cancer can be a big hit to your stress level and your own emotions, and can trigger different ways of dealing with it for each person.
  Don't let it get to you Darrel, last night she may have been trying to let her hair down if only just for sympathy, but tonight she may be alone and trying to deal with the words that will reduce the mightiest man to total fear and emotional breakdown.. 
  If you see her again and she is fine buy her a drink to celebrate her not having to enter the battle zone and leave it at that. If you never see her again buy one extra and leave it on the table in her memory just in case she drew the short straw..

  7 hours ago · Unlike · 7
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  Gail  Very well said Dave. I have to say I was agreeing with your friend but your words of wisdom and experience totally gives the story a new light.

  6 hours ago via mobile · Like · 2
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  Kathy Agreed!

  2 hours ago via mobile · Like
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  Lyn Dave, before I read what you wrote, my brain was working on how to say the same thing. But, you said it so eloquently. I just learned that I have breast cancer, three days ago. Yesterday, as I was sitting in a silly kimono shirt prior to yet another excavation in a new spot, I watched a young woman shaking, sweating, teary-eyed and nearly wringing her cell phone into pieces. Being a nurse, I couldn't help but ask 'are you okay? Can I get you anything?' She then told me she was getting a mammogram, a second view to better visualize a questionable area on the first. Not even a biopsy, but enough to challenge her coping skills and send her into the land of 'What If'. We will all handle the news differently. There is no right or wrong way. This woman may be a needy and dependent woman in her normal life and is acting to type. Or, she may be the strongest, most reliable pillar of support carrying everyone else's concerns on her shoulders and now is completely out of her depth, being out of control and reeling with the unknown and the waiting.

  2 hours ago via mobile · Like
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  Linda  I don't care for ANYONE who asks people to buy them a drink, women who do this just piss me off! If you can't afford to drink, why are you at the bar? The whole issue of having a terminal disease is frightening, and some people panic before any results are in, even though it doesn't change anything, or help in any way... Having my biopsy wasn't scarey, KNOWLEDGE IS POWER! Getting my results was an eye opener though, I went through a period of depression and more anger and frustration than I've ever felt in my life when I found out I had IPF. Then I went through a period of time where I had to decide whether I wanted to live or die, I chose life! One of the hardest things I've had to do was ask for help, but my social worker at University of Washington Medical Center said that fundraising was a major necessity! And so we have had a major fundraiser at Spirit's Bar, with 9 different bands and a lot of great people, and I've had a Facebook Fundraiser, and I had to have help, but have HATED having to ask! I am now on the lung transplant list, at 14% lung capacity, waiting for my saving grace, BUT, through it all, I've never tried to get people to have pity for me! Life sucks sometimes! Get over it! My goal now is to live long enough to tell my story, and to get more people to sign up to become organ donors, 18 PEOPLE DIE EVERY DAY WAITING FOR A TRANSPLANT, My goal: MAKE THAT NUMBER A "ZERO"!!!

  24 minutes ago · Like
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  Lyn  Well, Linda Merritt, you are obviously a better person than the woman in the bar, for your strength and coping ability... good luck in your healing.

  20 minutes ago · Like
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  Lyn  Cancer is not a competition; whose is worse, whose is more deadly, who is coping the 'right' way, who is coping the 'wrong' way. We don't know the back story of any other patient and have no right to judge. We have the right to walk away from someone who is behaving in a way that we don't agree with, but to judge them? To say 'she should do it like ME, because MY way is so much better, and this is why...' is to place yourself in a superior position of criticism that no person occupies. One can only pretend to judge, and some do, because that makes them feel better, more superior, more in control. Cancer doesn't give a shit how others judge the patient, but others judging that person only adds to their pain. Being angry at others for not sucking it up and being like one's strong self is a coping mechanism, too, and not a very nice one. And if it leads to the opportunity to shout out how terrific oneself is 'handling' cancer, that, too, is just another sad coping mechanism... again, we all are just people after all, and none of us have all, or even very many of, the answers.

  5 minutes ago · Like