Yeah, but...

Last week, I had a segmental mastectomy, removal of ten lymph nodes and a port-cath placed through which to receive chemotherapy for a year.

The news regarding my cancer, that 'they got it all', meaning they removed tissue until the margins were free of cancer, was a huge relief.  I have been quite sore from the surgery, but feel better physically every day.

And, now, what? The fear that we all had was exhausting and it was a relief for my family and friends to get back to their normal.  Yeah, but...

How am I to do that?  I still have to have chemo, feel like shit, service the disease for a year, lose my hair, and be afraid.  Its as if, because the surgery was a success, things are 'right enough' for my friends and family to not have to 'check in', to not send a message.  God, I sound like a brat.

But, I am afraid.  I have not kicked this cancer.  I have a huge recon, search and destroy and mop up program to survive.  I am afraid of the illness itself, then of the 'cure'.  I am afraid of feeling weak and sick for a year, of losing my hair, of being forever changed, of the loss of seeing myself as a whole and healthy person.

And, that's just boring and uncomfortable to be around.  I wish I could put me on hold for a while...

Gal pal support

You make me laugh. You assure me that all my shoes will find good homes 'after'. You joke about falsies and lopsidedness and migrating implants. You hold me gently so as not to cause me pain. You speculate about baldness. You inspire mad dashes to the loo in hysterical laughter. You are my friends, sisters and nieces, and I love you for harassing me through the pathetic part of breast cancer...