Yeah, but...

Last week, I had a segmental mastectomy, removal of ten lymph nodes and a port-cath placed through which to receive chemotherapy for a year.

The news regarding my cancer, that 'they got it all', meaning they removed tissue until the margins were free of cancer, was a huge relief.  I have been quite sore from the surgery, but feel better physically every day.

And, now, what? The fear that we all had was exhausting and it was a relief for my family and friends to get back to their normal.  Yeah, but...

How am I to do that?  I still have to have chemo, feel like shit, service the disease for a year, lose my hair, and be afraid.  Its as if, because the surgery was a success, things are 'right enough' for my friends and family to not have to 'check in', to not send a message.  God, I sound like a brat.

But, I am afraid.  I have not kicked this cancer.  I have a huge recon, search and destroy and mop up program to survive.  I am afraid of the illness itself, then of the 'cure'.  I am afraid of feeling weak and sick for a year, of losing my hair, of being forever changed, of the loss of seeing myself as a whole and healthy person.

And, that's just boring and uncomfortable to be around.  I wish I could put me on hold for a while...